i think my tv is drunk
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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