Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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