Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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