Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
