Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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