its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
