Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
