Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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