I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
