Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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