I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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