Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
