'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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