Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I pour the whiskey from now on
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
