I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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