no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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