i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
