Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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