NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
