my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
