you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
