I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
operation harelip BJ is a go
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
