I faked an abortion last night.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
tell me about the eggs
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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