when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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