omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
