smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
