He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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