Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
