You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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