I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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