its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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