dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
