I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
