I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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