I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
