I want to make a zoo with you.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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