he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
