dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
