just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
