Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
