and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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