i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
