she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
