you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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