My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
