I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
