He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
