Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
