I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
