does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
