your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
