True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
